THE
GOOD CONDUCT MEDAL
(A
Story)
(Adapted
by the author from the original story in Kannada)
I
The
aerodrome was throbbing with life. To Raja alone loomed an
emptiness on the scene as he descended from the plane scanning the faces
of the waiting crowd. He was disappointed. Those whom he was expecting to see
he could not at once see. No, they were not anywhere around. Suddenly he heard
the familiar fascinating horn of his father’s car. It was turning into the main
gate. His face lit up. It was his father’s car.
He
started guessing who would be in it to welcome him home after his studies
abroad: ‘Mother? Not she. She’ll be busy at home preparing nice things for him
to eat. It was years since he ate nice things Sister? She too might stay back,
helping mother. Father? Oh, no, he will not come. Little brother Sudhakara? He will
not stay back. Niece Cheluvamba?
Yes. This is another opportunity for her to see the planes landing or leaving. And…..beloved Nalina? Wife, and the
one always uppermost in his thoughts! She will be in the car! She is
late. She ought not to have been late. But she will be there!…….’
No
one got out of the car! There was no one in it!...The
driver opened the door.
“No
one came in the car?”
“No one, sir.”
“Why?
Is anything wrong with the folk at home?”
“I
do not think so, sir.”
Raja
felt hurt.
The
baggages came. The driver asked politely, “Shall we
be going, sir?”
“What
do you expect? That I stay here without going home?” This was more than the
driver bargained for!
Soon
the car was speeding towards home. But Raja’s mind sped faster. It touched home
almost at once. He was already questioning folk why they did not care to greet
him at the aerodrome: his mother in the kitchen, his father in the study, the
youngsters in the garden, his wife in her
room.
‘Leave
aside the others,’ he thought. ‘Nalina should have come to the
aerodrome. I was so keen on seeing her there. Why was she not anxious to see
me? When I left the country three years ago, she insisted on following me, and
on being with me till I got on board the ship at
He
remembered! He felt a sudden pang in his heart. Their son,
at the age of two, had passed away, soon after he left
‘That
was the cause!’ he thought. ‘With this grief between us, how could she come to
greet me with smiles? And she had no other child to soften her grief!...I was
actually angry with her! How thoughtless of me! I thank God that I remembered
before I caused her more pain by my forgetfulness!’…..
At
the sound of the horn, all the members of the household gathered in the hall:
the mother, the father, the sister, the brother, the niece–and even the
servants. But not Nalina! She was not there!
Actually,
she saw him arrive. She had a fleeting glimpse of him from her window as the
car drove in. She came as far as the door to the common hall. She stood
transfixed for a while behind the dividing curtain. She took a good look at him
again through it. Raja saw a shadow pause and pass. She went to the back
verandah by another passage. She went to keep hot water ready for his wash or
bath.
Here
in the common hall, his mother greeted him with fervent feeling: “God’s mercy,
you have returned safe, my child!” His father observed. “I see that you kept
yourself fit. I am glad.” Young Sudhakara asked him,
“What have you brought for me?” His niece asked, “And what for me??” His
sister, no longer a tomboy, almost a demure young lady, asked. “Did you have a
smooth passage back?” He answered them all, briefly and adequately. His mind
was elsewhere. His eye too was wandering. His mother took note. “Where is
Nalina?” she asked, and immediately answered her question herself. “She must
have gone to prepare his bath. She ought to know that she ought to
be here!”
“Don’t
worry, mother. I’ll go in.”
He
took off his shoes and his suit, wrapped himself in a dhoti, threw a
towel over his shoulder, and walked to the back of the house.
There
she was! Offering him a vessel with hot water in it, a
cake of soap, and a look the meaning of which he could not guess.
There was more fright than grief in that look. She appeared far more timid and
shy than sad.
“Nalina!”
“Would
you like to have your bath straightaway?”
“You
are looking thin and pale and weak, Nalina! Are you not well?”
“I
am all right.”
She
had the same fair complexion, the same over-all charm of face and figure. But,
when he last saw her, there were roses on her cheeks, sprightliness in her
eyes. He missed that tinge of health, that look of cheer.
“You
are not all right, Nalina!”
“But
I am!”
There
was a quiver in her voice. There were tears in her eyes. Was it all sorrow for
the lost one? Or was it just a little joy at his home-coming?…He
was not sure!
He
held her hand and drew her close to him. She released herself, and withdrew to
a distance. He went to her and wiped her tears with his towel.
“I
know how you must be feeling, Nalina. The child belongs to our past. We
belong to our future too. We live in it...He meant a lot to you!...To me too!...I have been longing to see you, Nalina! Oh, for so long!”...
His
mother called him. He did not like it. He washed in a hurry, and walked towards
the dining room.
‘My
husband is so good to me!...He does not know!...He
should not know!’ murmured
Nalina to herself.
They
had to wait till the end of the day to speak to each other. He could not rest
in the afternoon. First, he had to open the boxes for the children. Then, his
father-in-law and mother-in-law and brother-in-law came. Then came the friends of his father and mother, and the
neighbours. After that, there were his own friends.
One of them, a friend from, childhood, just monopolised
him!...Now, every one retired for the night. Their
bed-room door was bolted. There was no light n the house, except the soft light
near their bed.
Nalina’s eyes were the
eyes of a frightened lamb.
He
said to her, “I always remembered you as one who talked wittily and
incessantly. What has come over you?...Surely, there
must a little joy somewhere down your heart that I am back with you, that we
are together again!
“Believe
me, I am happy!”
She
clung to him, and hid her face from him by her nearness to him. He remembered
that trick of hers in moments when she did not want him to see how happy she
was or how much she loved him!
“Here
I am–anxious to tell you so many things, and to discuss so many things with
you! And you are all in tears!...You love me, don’t
you!”
“I
do!...I do!...Forgive me, it’s just that I cannot think or speak tonight!”
“Let
me speak then...It is not that I do not sympathise
with you in your sorrow...”
“Is
it not yours too?”
“Of
course, it is! But I speak of it as yours, because yours is the greater.
Different, too, in a way.”
“You shouldn’t have left me! The boy shouldn’t have died! And you shouldn’t have let me join the College to forget him!”
“Why,
Nalina? Why?..Was it wrong that I thought you needed
distraction from your grief?”
She
sighed, and bit her lip. Tears flooded her eyes. He could not understand her.
He could not afford to be impatient with her. He soothed her.
“Let
us talk of trifles, then,” he said, seeing her gain a little composure. “I
remember something suddenly. I am undecided whether to tell you or not. Shall
I?”
“Do,
if you like. Don’t, if you mustn’t.” Raja was happy to watch even this little
symptom of liveliness in her. It was a change from her glued grief.
He
said, “I wrote to you of nearly all my experiences abroad...Except a few.”
“I
have all your letters. I did not miss a word of them.”
“What
did you feel, for instance, when you read that I went out boating with my
landlady’s daughter, that we lost our way on the waters, and that we spent the
night, under a pale moon, on the other bank, not knowing what else to do?”
She
gazed at him blankly. Not a word escaped her lips. She remembered the ghastly
night in her own life! It was a night without the boat, without the moon,
without the other bank! A far different setting it was! And she shivered with
the memory!...Oh, why was he telling her all this? She could not tell him
about herself!
“How
am I to take your silence? That you entertain no suspicion about me that
night?”
Nalina
tried to speak. But her words seemed to die in her throat. Her mind was
reeling. The images were getting mixed. It was she and another, not her husband
and his landlady’s daughter, on the other bank, under the moon, with the boat
tied!...In her husband’s home, they thought that she was at her father’s! In
her father’s, that she was at her husband’s!
“Tell me, did you suspect me?...Did you think that I must Have behaved like all the others who go abroad?
“Why
should I imagine you to be like all the others?”
“You
don’t suspect me then?”
“I
mean...Should not one judge oneself before one suspects or judges another?”
Raja laughed.
“You
are out of your mind, Nalina! How does the question arise of your judging
yourself before suspecting me?”
“I
mean...You cannot question another’s conduct and character merely because a man
and a woman sit or talk or travel together!”
“You
are right. There is a lot of narrow-mindedness in the world…..I’ll tell you
another incident…..But you don’t seem at all curious to hear me!...Shall I tell
you?”
“Is
it not my duty to listen?...As a good Hindu wife, I mean!”
“Is
that all?.…There was a time when I thought big of this nonsense about Hindu
wives and their sense of dharma and their fabled virtues. Now all that
leaves me cold...But, just the same, I am going to tell you how I still am and
was a bit of this timid society, reared up perhaps as a coward by its social
restraint...Why do you look so upset?…Hear me before you wonder what I
did!...I did nothing wrong!...I did nothing very wrong!”
She
was gasping for breath!...Oh, how could she tell him that she was not
worried about him! That...! Oh, never mind! Why had he to talk all this
tonight!...Oh, why?
“Nalina,
what are you thinking of?”
“Nothing...Nothing
at all!...Don’t you think we in India should not be ashamed of our
‘backwardness,’ should not be carried away by false ideas of equality and
freedom between men and women?”
“Let
us argue about it another time...I will tell you another little incident...It
was a girl at my University. She had a bad name. I was avoiding her. I was
afraid of her. She tried many times to improve her acquaintance with me. I
never let her. One day I was crossing the road. I heard some one call my name.
I turned back, and found that it was she. I did not like it. I wanted to ignore
her and walk on. But...Nalina!...What’s the matter with you?”
Nalina
remembered just such an incident, and just such a voice across the street. It
was the voice of a man! A man she had to respect, but couldn’t! Who
had gone on vexing her, just as this girl had gone on vexing her husband!
She
was shivering! She rose and took the blanket to cover self,
“Why
are you like this, Nalina?…Shall I stop?...You don’t want to listen
to such things as this?”
“Please
go on. It’s nothing at all!...It’s just...that I am feeling cold!”
“Cold?
Now, let me see...Yes. She came near me, and told me that she had to buy
something urgently, that she didn’t find her purse on her, that I was the only
person around there who knew her, and she asked me whether she could borrow a
little money of me. I placed a couple of notes in her hand. ‘Excuse me, but
this won’t suffice,’ she said. I again gave her all the small change I could
spare. She thanked me. I walked on. I entered a tea shop. I found that she
followed me in. ‘This is where I make my purchases. Funny isn’t it?’ she said.
She made her purchases. She came to my table, with a ‘Do you mind?’ She was
babbling all the while. After we had tea, I told her I would be back in a
moment, and I rushed out. I nearly ran. I took to the lanes and the by-lanes,
to avoid her. After a while, looking back, whom should I find but her, just a
little way behind me? ‘That wasn’t fair,’ she said. ‘You walk too fast for a
companion!’ Her next sentences took me completely by surprise. She stopped in
front of a gate, opened the latch, and asked, ‘What made you come all the way
to the very house I live in? This is where I live. I’ll return your money.
Please step in.’ She took out the key, opened the door, walked in, and looked
back at me. There were people about. I did not want a discussion to take place
there between her, inside, and me, standing outside. I felt shy, and I walked
in. It was broad daylight, and...”
Nalina
was listening with rapt attention. Yes, she too was shy! She too had walked
in! Only, it was not broad daylight, in her case. She walked in,
under the cover of night, led by a hand she did not know to disobey!...Oh,
why did she do it?...Why?..Why?...
“Nalina,
your mind is elsewhere!...I am wearying you?...There is not much more to
tell...That girl prepared tea for me again. When later I got up to go, she
pulled me down to the sofa, she rested close to me, and she held my hand,
telling me what a fine chap I was, how much she admired me, talking matters of
love to me. She wouldn’t let me get up or sit apart. I told her that I didn’t
care for her that way. ‘But I care for you that way,’ was her reply...I begged
of her to leave me alone...She wouldn’t listen...She actually kissed me...I
protested in many ways...I told her that I had a wife whom I loved dearly. ‘She
is far away, and you are my prisoner now,’ she said, ‘and you are bound
to do my bidding!...It you don’t, I’ll open the door, and scream, and they’ll
all rush in; and I’ll tell them that you were trying to force me!’...I was
scared!...I shook like a leaf, from head to foot!...And...What’s happening
to you, Nalina?…I did nothing wrong, believe me!...Honestly, I didn’t!...I
am about to tell you that Please don’t weep!...Nalina, please!...”
She
could not be consoled. She could not be consoled, because she was re-living those
ghastly moments of her own again!...He, the other
one, had asked her. “Then, why did you Come in at all?”
Nothing she could say convinced him. She was at his mercy that night /
That night she too shivered from head to foot. But, then, she had
done something wrong!...She had done something sinful! She
could not forgive herself! How could another forgive her?
“Listen
to me, Nalina!...Do You know what I did then?…When she put her arms round my
neck. I pretended to hug her. I then begged of her to let me show
her something. She released me...I took out my purse, and showed her
that Sweet little photo of you: the one in which you were with
the little one. I told her how the little one had passed away, and how
you could not be consoled. I also told her how pure and angelic you were...”
“Me
pure and angelic?”
“Yes,
Nalina…And I told her how dearly I loved You....She kept looking at you and the
boy. That worked a Change in her. ‘May I keep this picture?’ she asked. I told
her she could... And then she let me go!...And so, Nalina, that was how,
in the end, it was you who saved me!”
She
saved him?…Yes, he says so!... She saved him!...But
herself she could not save!… Her own self she could not save!
When he got
up very late the next morning, Nalina was not to be found. Later, he learnt
that she was not even in the house. It was a day of feasting when sisters meet
brothers in the homes of their birth. Nalina did not like to disturb her
husband, and took her mother-in- law’s permission, and left for her father’s
house. He was told that Nalina would be returning only in the evening.
After his
morning coffee, he sat up to arrange his things. He opened his boxes one by
one. There was the chest of drawers to put his clothes in. Nalina told him
there was place in it for them. It contained Nalina’s
clothes, and embroidery, and odds and ends. In a corner of it were the letters
he wrote, neatly bundled. Next to that bundle was an album containing only the
snapshots and photos and pictures which he sent her from abroad...He felt very
pleased.
In
one of the drawers he found a small velvet box containing a bright gold medal.
On it were inscribed, on one side, the words. “Awarded to Shrimati Nalina”, and,
on the other side, the Words, “Women’s College, Good Conduct Medal” and
the Year.
She
had never written to him that she was awarded this medal! When he asked his
mother about it during lunch, his mother was surprised to hear that Nalina had
not written to her husband about it. His mother said, “I specially asked her to
write to you about it. And I distinctly remember that she
later told me that she had written to you.”
“But,
mother, she didn’t!”
“I’ll
ask her when she comes back this evening.”...
It
was a small thing, but he kept brooding over it that afternoon: ‘Why did she
not write to me about this medal? And why had she to tell my mother a lie?’
‘Perhaps
she wanted to spring it as a surprise on me,’ he thought, later.
He
finished arranging his clothes. The boxes he brought were still far from empty.
The room was all in a confusion. He left Nalina’s
things all about the room. But he was tired. He was missing Nalina. He lay down
on his bed. He was thinking of last night. He was thinking how emaciated and
thin and lifeless she was now! He was picturing her as she once was: her
beauty, her vivacity, her captivating smiles. In the three sweet years of their
early married life she had adjusted herself to him completely, and there was
perfect harmony between them. He never spoke harshly to her. He had never
thought harshly of her, She had a gentle voice, and a gentler disposition.
Now,
she was almost a stranger. He had to begin all over again with her!
‘If
only that little one had been alive!……
And
she even lied to my mother,’ he thought……
He
dressed to go out to meet her in her father’s place. He looked at his watch. It
was just past three. It was a warm afternoon. He hesitated for a moment. In the
end he decided to go, and started off. It was a good mile and a half by the
road round the park. The car wasn’t there. It was only half a mile by foot,
cutting across the park. He walked on. Almost at the end of it he changed his mind.
‘This is not a day for husbands to butt in,’ he thought. ‘She’ll anyhow be back
in an hour or two’. He turned back.
On
the way back he met his brother-in-law, Nalina’s
Brother, Jaya.
“Nalina
refused to stay with us till the evening. We took a rickshaw, and I am
returning after leaving her in your house,” said Jaya…..
There,
Nalina had been accosted by her mother-in-law with “Why did you tell me that
you had written to your husband about your Good Conduct medal when you hadn’t?..And why didn’t you write to him?”
“How
did this talk about my medal come up between your son and you?”
Shooting
the question, and without waiting for an answer, Nalina rushed
to her room, leaving the perplexed and irritated mother-in-law back in the
kitchen.
Nalina
found the room in utter disorder. The chest of drawers was left open. Her
clothes and things were thrown helter-skelter. The medal and its case were on
the bed.
She
saw the medal! She hated the very sight of the medal!...The medal...and the
evil night!...
She
fell on the bed, sobbing...She got up after a while. She looked at herself in
the mirror. She hated that face of hers. She hated herself. She ought to die!
She ought to kill herself! She had no right to live!
There
was her husband’s photograph, neatly framed, and always at
her bedside.
She
took the photograph, and pressed it to her bosom.
She
held it next to her face before the mirror, and looked at her own image and at
the image of her husband’s image, side by side in the mirror.
There
were tears in her eyes, and on her cheeks. She saw the tears clearly in the
mirror. But (could it be true?)...she found in the mirror that she was laughing
too! Yes, laughing!
Suddenly
she burst out laughing!
It
was at that moment that she saw her husband enter the room. He stood aghast.
She became quiet.
“Why
are you like this Nalina?” She tried to hide the photograph. It slipped from
her, and the glass broke into many bits. He saw that it was his photograph.
Before he could prevent her, she bent down, and started gathering the sharp
bits together with bare hands. They pierced her fingers which began to bleed
profusely.
“Nalina,
what are you doing?”
He
moistened a handkerchief at the basin, and tore it into pieces, and tied them
round her bleeding fingers, after removing the bigger fragments of glass from
the flesh.
The
place on which they stood looked weird with blood, and broken glass.
Blood!
She
closed her eyes with the bandaged fingers from which the blood was still
dripping. Her face became marked with the blood. He held her by the waist, and
led her to a chair.
She
was quivering, trembling–visibly. Her frightened eyes were ling to him–for what
he knew not!
He
took up the medal, casually, from the bed. He thought he could turn her mind to
something pleasant.
“Why
didn’t you write to me about this, Nalina?”
“Why
should I have written to you about it?”
“Because
it would have made me happy!”
“The
medal makes you happy?...Ha! Ha! How foolish you are!”
“Why
do you say that, Nalina?”
“Give
it back to me! It is my medal. It was awarded to me at college
because... because I...am...a...nice...good...girl!...I said,
give it to me!”
She
was shouting at him!
“Be
quiet, Nalina!...And you told my mother a lie that you wrote to me about it!”
“Why
shouldn’t I tell your mother a lie?”
“You
are acting funny!”
“Do
you want then to know the truth?...No, I won’t tell
you!...You think you can make me tell you?...No, you can’t!”
“What’s
happening to you, Nalina?..You’re going mad!”
“You’re
mad, not I!...I know the truth! You don’t!”
“What’s
the truth, Nalina?”
“You
think that the medal was given to me for...good conduct! Ha ha! you think so! ...No, it wasn’t!...Didn’t you hear ?”
“Hear
what, Nalina?”
“He
said I sing divinely!...I sang on the College Day!...! did!...He
said I am as beautiful as Venus!...My nose is as straight and as lovely as
Cupid’s arrow!...Honey drips from my lips!...Did you
notice the rhyme?...”
“Who
said all this, Nalina?”
“That
I won’t tell you! That I won’t!...But it is true that
I am beautiful!...Look at me in the mirror!...You are ugly, but I am
beautiful!...Can’t you see?”
“Nalina,
something has happened to you!...You are going mad, Nalina!...You have gone
mad!”
She
jumped at him, and caught him by the throat. He screamed. There was demoniacal
strength in that grip of hers!
“You’ll
never call me mad again!...Tell me! You’ll never call me that? It’s you who are
mad!...You are a fool!...A big fool!”
The
servant rushed in. And then his mother came. With great difficulty, the three
of them held Nalina and tied her to the cot. She was screaming and weeping all
the time...
After
a week’s observation of Nalina in the Mental Hospital, the doctor was not very
clear about her malady, or whether he could cure her.
“I
know she couldn’t have had an abortion recently, but my assistant, the lady
doctor, is of the opinion that there was some trouble with her like that. Your
wife talks all the time about a big function at college. She keeps singing the
song which she says she sang at that function. She gets up after singing, and
bends and says ‘Namaste’ with joined hands. She calls
her principal and her principal’s husband by name, and says, ‘Please don’t
give me the medal! Please take it back!’ She talks of, ‘the pudding on Naga Panchami day.’ She trembles
and sobs and weeps whenever we refer to the College Day celebrations or to the
Good Conduct medal or to any case of child birth or abortion. She keeps
scribbling on loose bits of paper. She tears them again into tiny little bits.
When we ask her what she is writing, she answers, ‘Letters to my husband, of
course!’ I asked the nurse attending on her to steal these bits of writing, if
she could, before they are torn...No, you cannot see her yet. It is not good
for her...Here comes the nurse. And with a paper, too, in her hand. Now, let us
see what it is!”
The
doctor glanced at what Nalina scribbled, and then gave it to Raja to read.
“I
can’t make out what it is that troubles the poor child!...After many years, you
return from Europe, and this happens to you at once!”
The
poor husband was reading his mad wife’s jottings:
“My beloved husband...Who is whose beloved? I have
no husband...I lost my beloved long ago...Raja will marry again...The butterfly
dies after laying eggs...Doesn’t it? Why did I not die?….Rats are baited and
trapped and then left to the cats...Spider’s web….Spiders have long legs...Dogs
have crooked tails...Foxes are cunning...Demons are burly….Colleges have
demons...Oh, big fat demon...Oh, head of the college...I am ruined...I am
lost...The medal is gold...The medal is mine...My child is dead...My child is
gold...My medal remains...Fat wives marry thieves...The banyan tree has roots
and branches...Why did he die?..Why do I live?...I am
cooking the pudding...The pudding must set...It has become a mess...The horror
of it...Oh, my dear husband...The horror of it...”
Raja
gave back the sheet of paper to the doctor.
“Does it make any meaning to you?” asked the doctor. “Does it fit in with anything she told you?”
“No, it doesn’t...It doesn’t say anything...But, can’t I see her once today, doctor?...I haven’t seen her since I brought her to you!”
“I
wouldn’t advise it. Not just now. Let us know a little more about the cause of
her madness...However, I am afraid we may never know! In most of these cases we
never know!...The principal and her husband came to see her. I thought it was
all right, and permitted them. She was silent when they were there, but after
they left she was very excited...You must wait before you can see her.”
“But,
meanwhile, you’ll take good care of her, of course?”
“That
goes without saying. Please be sure!”
“Thank
you!”
Raja
got up, and walked out of the hospital, slowly. He was thinking, almost
murmuring to himself, looking back, ‘Oh Nalina, that this...this...should
have happened to you!...Nalina!...Nalina!’
He
then buttoned his coat against the sharp evening breeze, and walked on.